Not long after reading that Sir Mick Jagger is reportedly planning to marry for a third time, a “save the date” text arrives. It’s for a wedding next year of friends who have both recently exited calamitous first marriages, but are already taking the plunge again. My partner and I (both divorced) look at each other quizzically. Neither wants to, but eventually I go first, as they’re her friends: is this a good idea? Will they last? Why are they doing this? Could we, would we, should we? I mean if Rupert Murdoch and Jerry Hall can… oh dear!
In our fifties there are a plethora of such invitations: friends marrying for a second, or even third time. It’s an occasionally bewildering example of hope over experience. Most invitations involve one or other remarrying after spectacularly bad break-ups and rancorous, upsetting and mind-blowingly expensive drawn-out divorces. Those who simply drifted apart into a “conscious uncoupling” don’t appear to have the urge.
There are seemingly two entirely different motivations to. The first is a desire to prove to oneself and our loved ones that we can be part of the successful long-term committed relationship that contemporary society still suggests is the ideal. It might be reassuring for our collective children, if they exist, to know that this is not just another revolving-door relationship. Not to mention, it provides some reassurance that they will not be forced to look after you on their own as you age and wither. It’s a very real issue in our ageing society.
The other motivation is entirely unromantic. It remains the case that married couples have more legal entitlements should that relationship not last. A second marriage can be as much about taxes, death duties, secure rights of residence, inheritance tax and ease of transfer of assets as it is intellectual stimulation and hot sex. Never marry someone you cannot divorce. If you think they would be difficult to divorce, then swerve the big day – and, by the way, white dresses and lavish ceremonies are back second time round too.
The irony is that younger people are not marrying like previous generations. 2021 census data revealed 1.2 million more 25-35 year-olds being unmarried than in 2011. Over a longer period, the figures are stark: 5.8 million 25-35 year-olds were unmarried in 2021, compared with 2.7 million in 1991. The expense, hassle and 50 per cent divorce rate are putting young people off, not to mention ideals that are forced upon you like the 2-2-2 idea for marrieds: a date night together every two weeks, a weekend away together every two months; a week away every two years. Shoot me now.
Divorce is easier than ever: Rupert allegedly did it to Jerry by email. I knew someone in the pre-digital 1990s who was dumped on a work trip by fax to hotel reception. Classy. Even more alarming is that 31 per cent of second marriages are still likely to fail. Financial worries, emotional baggage, step-children, exes and rushing into rebound are all factors.
So, is it worth it? When it comes to matters of the heart, there is no rhyme, reason or rationale. We will continue to repeat our mistakes because to be optimistic is the essence of living.
